"Cacti & Lilacs"

from Artmonk Retreat, January 2011

Lizziemax

You have to go slowly to know the soft side of a cactus.

You can't just jump in there and kiss it.

You have to talk sweet to it first.

But it is possible.

Go slow ~ try the "wrong way."

Be gentle, gentle, quiet, quiet.

Listen to its secrets.

Understand why the prickly parts are there.

And then ~ it will let you touch it.

A factoid about cacti:

They're supposed to BE like that.

Prickly is just the way they are.

We can't all be lilacs, you know. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And kalamata olives ~ they're supposed to TASTE like that.

Taste one with your full mouth - 

Not just the front,

Or your tongue,

Or one side.

Try it This Way - it's more fun

To swish swish swish it around all the way, so that it fills up your whole, whole mouth with flavor.

Maybe so much that it fills your neighbor's mouth, too.

Taste that?

It's supposed to taste shockingly bitter at first; 

It's supposed to be that salty.

It's supposed to make your nose wrinkle and lips curl around as you try to hold in ALL that flavor from one perfect purple morsel.

It's OK - olives are supposed to taste like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the pain ~ oh, the pain.

It is supposed to feel like that.

I know, this one is the hardest to believe, 

Rougher than a cactus to touch,

Harder than an olive to swallow.

But it IS supposed to be there.

Sharp.

Sudden.

Long, Dull, Prolonged, Never-Ending, your Whole universe, the Only thing. 

The center and 

Beginning and 

End of all your 

Thoughts, your everything.

It's supposed to overtake you like that. 

It's supposed to make you cry.

It's supposed to FORCE you to 

Go inside. To go 

Deep in and know that 

You are the only thing.

That you hold ALL the universe,

All the pain and suffering inside.

And the beauty, the beauty inside, too.

And it's supposed to be that hard to climb three flights of stairs.

And it's supposed to be that cold before you get in your sleeping bag.

And it's supposed to make you laugh til your heart hurts.

And you don't have to worry any more,

Or feel shame anymore,

Or feel doubt.

You can smile, and be.

Or laugh, or cry,

Or dance like you've got ants in your pants,

Or whatever.

What if it was all supposed to be like that?
"What if it were all OK?"

For now, try to just rest still, & know---

The other side of pain is lilacs.

And the sister of an olive is a smile.

And deep, deep, deep at the 

Center of a cactus, if you can

Manage to get in beyond the toughest of gatekeepers ~ if you can

Survive that first bite ~ if you can

Unravel all the terribly wonderful, beautifully awful

Complexity of your pain....

If ~When ~ you arrive at the Center of it all...

You're Home.